This Little Light of Mine

After being knee deep in diapers, work and household chores, I forgot who I was.  I am slowly learning again. This time around, I am fiercer in this endeavor than I was before because my children. They need a mother who is secure in who she is. I want them to see someone that can grow, learn, and respect themselves. I need to lead by example. 

When I realized that I didn’t know who I was any longer, I opened my heart and my mind. I knew first things first, I am a Christian. Second a mother. I literally wrote out a list of traits that I am, good or bad. Then I thought about what I liked doing. This was really hard for me because I was in a point in my life where I was not sleeping well and was not taking care of myself. I was being a mom with three little kids.  This was before I was diagnosed with Unclassified ADHD and Anxiety and I was in a panic.   

My husband told me to try something, anything really, to see what was right for me.  Try some things that I used to like, try some new things. It took me awhile to do this. It also took me a while to see what I enjoyed. Once I found the one thing I liked, or a new challenge, I was much happier. I had something. I used that one thing to build and find another. I became more and more excited about projects and life.  

To be honest, the one thing I started with was nursing. I am not made for it, but I enjoyed the time with my daughter, and I enjoyed the challenge. It was several times a day and the endorphin rush helped.  This led to working out. (Notice the endorphin rush trigger again!)  

As I learn more about who I am as a person, I also have learned that it is not fair to me or others if I don’t let this light shine. I need to stop holding things in so much. Yes, there is a balance. Filters are not always a bad thing. However, being silent because you are unsure is not healthy either.  

I want to let this crazy light to shine. I want to be open. I want to fall. I want to learn. No shame. No covering up. I want to be that light for my children. Being strong in myself, accepting and being proud of knowing my short fallings and my awesomeness is important for me and my family.  

Part of me is my ADHD and Anxiety. I am embracing it full tilt! I am going to let this light shine in hopes that it helps at least one person. I am going to be able to better help my children because I am, who I was made to be. I have this awesome gift that is label as a deficiency, but it is truly a blessing.  

The long short of the story, DON’T GIVE UP. Start with a list. Start with one thing and build. Have an open mind and heart to try new things. Ask friends and family for support. (I am not good at this one either.) Travel outside your box. Or, stay in the box and look at the box in a new light. Poke holes in the box to let in the light. TALK TO SOMEONE! Friends, families and therapist are amazing people. You do not have to do this alone! 

Figure out what your light is and let it shine for the world to see. Let those babies know we all do better when we are being who we are made to be.  (Wow that rhymed! Maybe I should try writing a poem. A new adventure awaits!) 

Short story…  

When I get frustrated with the kids, one of my outlets is singing a little song to myself, “This little light of mine”.  It is a tension breaker when you are upstairs singing loudly, “This little light of mine”, to drown out your frustrations because someone peed on the back of the toilet. Then you hear from another floor, “I’m gonna let it shine!” in a sweet 6-year old’s voice… most likely from the same one that peed on the toilet.